The longest list of bar jokes that I got in an email ...
No one knows when the first joke beginning with the
six words "A guy walks
into a bar . . ." was told, or how it went.
Nevertheless, an entire genre of
jokes has been created revolving around that opening
scenario. Here's a
sampling of some of the variants that have sprung
up, many now involving
animals or inanimate objects:
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"Do I come here often?"
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"Got any ID?" asks the
bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The
bartender says, "You
can come in here, but you better not start
anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll
have a martinus." The
bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The
man tells the bartender,
"Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have
asked for them."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So,
why the long face?" A
variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential
campaign substituted John
Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the
same.
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"Has my father been in
here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does
he look like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a beer,
please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve
you. You're out of your
head."
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.
He finishes them and the
bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the
toilet is?" The pig says,
"No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The
bartender asks him if he'd
like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not,"
and he disappears.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer
and . . . . a packet of
peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The
bartender says, "That'll
be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming
in here." The kangaroo
says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar
tender here?"
A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender
says, "Sorry, we don't
serve food in here."
A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage
hobbles into a Western
saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm
lookin' fer the man that
shot my paw."
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?"
asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says,
"You're quite a celebrity
around here. We've even got a drink named after
you." The grasshopper says,
"You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the
bartender. The bartender asks,
"What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady
and a dog. The man asks,
"Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The
man reaches out to pet
the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says,
"I thought you said your
dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't.
That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar
serving drinks. The guy is
just staring at the horse, when the horse says,
"What are you staring at?
Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks
before?" The guy says,
"Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell
the place."
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks,
"What'll you have?" The
skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a
bar. The bartender says,
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks
the barman: "What's the
quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or
driving?" asks the
barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest
way," says the barman.
A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in
London, sits down, and
says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at
work." And the bartender
says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take
care of the corgis--you
know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender
asks, "Tough job, huh?
The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to
low intelligence and bad
temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart,
either."
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink
before the trouble starts."
And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it
and says, "Give me another
drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one
and says quotation mark,
give me another drink before the trouble starts."
Finally, the bartender
asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?"
The man says, "The trouble
starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have
any money."
A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in
a chair playing poker.
He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?"
And the bartender says,
"Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a
good hand, he starts
wagging his tail."
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His
hat is made of brown
wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps,
pants, and boots. His
spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the
sheriff arrives and arrests
him for rustling.
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most
expensive 30-year-old
single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after
the other. The bartender
says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy
says, "You would be too if
you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have
you got? "Fifty cents,"
is the reply.
A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South
around Christmas time. A
small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy
says, "That's a nice
nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are
all wearing firemen's
hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right
there in the Bible--the
three wise men came from afar."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a
beer. As he sipped the
beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking
around, he saw that the bar
was empty except for him and the bartender. A few
sips later, another voice
said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the
bartender over. "Say, I
must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I keep
hearing these voices say nice
things, and there is not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts,"
explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the
bar. "The peanuts?" "That's
right, the peanuts--they' re complementary. "
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A
beer for me and one for
my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for
hours until the giraffe
passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and
gets up to leave. The
bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that
lyin' on the floor, are
you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a
giraffe."
A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog.
The bartender says, "Hey
buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs
allowed! Get that mutt out
of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the
sign--I'm blind, and this
is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed
and gives the man a beer
on the house. Later that day, the man tells his
friend about it: "I told him
I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then
takes his dog into the
bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign
says no dogs allowed!
You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I
can't see the sign because
I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The
bartender replies, "Since
when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye
dogs?" The man says, "They
gave me a Chihuahua?"
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its
hind legs and swings him
around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy,
what are you doing?"
And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just
looking around."
A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the
bartender asks him, "What's the
matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight,
and she told me she
wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month
is up today."
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He
looks in his pocket and
orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders
still another drink.
His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are
you doing? What's in
your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of
my wife. When she starts
looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."
